Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the post-election diaries of the grating and the good
Keir Starmer: prime minister and son of a toolmaker
What a night, what a victory. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. But enough about England in the Euros. I’ve now appointed my shadow cabinet. Sorry, cabinet (must get used to saying that).
Universities are on my to-do list, along with removing this golden wallpaper and having the mail forwarded from the old house. As long as a university does not go bankrupt after 6pm on a Friday night, we should be OK.
I’ve told the education team that there is no money left and they should think imaginatively about how to improve things in higher education. Bridget said she would speak to some vice-chancellors because even though there is no cash in universities, they always manage to improve their remuneration. Sounds like a plan. Now who do I have to speak to about a ticket for Sunday’s game?
Rishi Sunak: former prime minister and future professor of economics
They say that this campaign was so bad that they’ll be teaching it in universities for years to come. I do hope so—that should keep me in guest-lecture fees for a while.
I am really looking forward to the new term at Stanford. I’m told the block where I’ll be teaching is on the other side of campus from my office. I’ve asked the president whether there is a landing pad for a helicopter outside, but they just emailed me this link to “our green policy wiki”.
To those good colleagues who lost their seats, especially those in education and science, I would just like to say sorry. The guilt will live with me for the rest of my life. As I gaze out across the Pacific from my beach house in Malibu, I’ll be thinking of Chichester and smiling.
Ed Davey: leader of the Liberal Democrats and now qualified circus performer
Taken the week off after the election, had a bit of a dicky tum. The doctor says it must have been all that swimming in contaminated water.
So, I’ve got my feet up, sipping a Coke, which is at least something I’ve got in common with Rishi Sunak. The other thing I’ve got in common with the former PM is that neither of us are responsible for the funding crisis in universities. Well, not “responsible” in that sense, if you know what I mean.
John Swinney: Thain of Holyrood and future former first minister of Scotland
Doomed! We’re all doomed! Once more the English are on the march, and we can only look on helplessly. But enough about the Euros.
In a dark moment after the exit poll, I phoned my deputy, Kate Forbes, and said “Remind me again why you stood aside to let me be leader?” She replied “Are you watching the telly?” I said I was, and she said, “Well then,” and put the phone down.
Although we have autonomous powers, independence looks as far away as ever. Now I know what a vice-chancellor regulated by the Office for Students feels like.
Bridget Phillipson: education secretary and award-winning optimist
My first act as secretary of state was to reach out to the education workforces to tell them how much I look forward to working with them in partnership. As I was writing my blog, I turned round and asked the civil servants what they were sniggering at.
I told them about my plan to have a Zoom Q&A with educators next week. My permanent secretary replied: “What, all of them? At the same time? Universities, colleges, secondary, primary, nursery?” I said that was correct.
“It will never work,” she said.
“Why not, do you think we’ll need to upgrade the Zoom account?”
“No,” she said, “the ones in universities won’t come unless they can drop their children with the ones in nurseries first and then look down on the ones in colleges from the Zoom gallery.”
Peter Kyle: science secretary and Boden catalogue model
On my first day, I told the team that I want the Department for Science, Innovation and Technology to be an economic department. Someone tried to explain to me that they all used to be in Beis but were moved last year, and they’d only just got the emails and business cards sorted.
I said “No, I mean we will contribute to economic growth.” All the civil servants looked over to Patrick Vallance, who shrugged, and then they looked back at me. “Would you like a cup of tea, minister?” said the permanent secretary. I’ll take that as a win.
Jacqui Smith: universities minister (probably)
The day after the election, I phoned my good celebrity showbiz pal Iain Dale to commiserate. I said “This must be terrible for you, Iain.”
“I know, reduced to 121 seats,” he replied, on the verge of tears.
“No, not that,” I said. “See, when you were going to run for Tunbridge Wells and told me the podcast was over, I applied for another job.”
He was crying now. “What is it? BBC? Classic FM?”
“No, minister for skills, further education and higher education.”
“Hold on,” he replied, “is this one of those prank calls?”
Patrick Vallance: minister for science and pandemic breakout star
Finally, I will be the one making the decisions, not listening to some minister asking me if I’m holding the graph the right way up. On day one, my first act was to go to Waterstones and buy a job lot of Moleskine diaries. My second act was to send Chris Whitty a gif: “Who’s got two thumbs and just been appointed science minister? This guy!”
Chi Onwurah: former shadow science minister, first appointed to the brief in 2010
What the actual fork?
Matt Western: former universities minister, now available for media appearances and podcasts
So, instead of getting to grips with the funding crisis in universities, dealing with the demands of vice-chancellors and unions, and wading through spreadsheets from the Office for Students, I will be spending Friday helping my constituents with their benefit claims. So it’s not all bad news.
Andrew Griffith: former science minister, current shadow science secretary (confused yet?)
I remember Rishi telling me that I would be on the front bench one day. I didn’t think he meant this.
Gillian Keegan: former education secretary and degree apprentice
I’ve been taking my CV around the tea rooms of Chichester. “You must have work for me,” I say. “I’ve got great qualifications. I am a degree apprentice.”
The proprietor checks the CV again. “In a car plant?” They shake their head. “You probably wanted to get some soft and transferable skills doing an arts degree to be qualified for this job.”
Michelle Donelan: former science secretary
This has been a very costly election. Despite running to a supposedly safer constituency, I’ve lost my seat, my job, my ministerial car…And what am I supposed to do with all these ‘Michelle for leader’ leaflets we had printed last week? I wonder if there is someone in Macron’s party who might want them? Now, if only I could remember my eBay password.
Gavin Williamson: former education secretary and somehow a knight of the realm
I’m still here, winky-face emoji.
James Wharton: former chair of the Office for Students and a Conservative peer
I’m not.
George Freeman: former science minister and soon-to-be shadow science minister
Still waiting on that call from Rishi. Some people might ask, if you couldn’t afford to be science minister when they were paying you for it, how can you do the role as shadow minister?
It’s a good question, but I say: in this economic climate, can I afford not to do it? Still waiting on that production company getting back to me about the travel show. Maybe Rachel Reeves will get interest rates down…
Liz Truss: former prime minister and bestselling conspiracy theorist
“I blame the universities,” I tell Steve Bannon.
“For what?” he says.
“All those woke graduates that voted against us.”
“In South Norfolk?” he asks.
“That’s your one call a day, Mr Bannon, back to your cell,” says a voice.
I think that means he has to switch to his mobile now.
Sue Gray: actual prime minister and former publican
On election night, we go to the Ivy for dinner. The maître d’ says, “But the kitchen is closed, madame, we can only serve cold dishes.” I reply, “In that case, I’ll have the special: revenge with a side order of schadenfreude.”
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