Image: Grace Gay for Research Professional News
Ivory Tower: Next on Sky Sports HE, 10 days of the universities and research Olympics
Day 1: Opening ceremony
And here comes Team GB, one of the favourites in this year’s events. No strangers to a league table, we hope to see UK universities competing with the US, Australia and Canada for international numbers. Unusually, this year the teams are not parading around a stadium but sailing in boats up the Seine.
It’s fortunate for Britain that the Conservatives recently lost the election because, of course, their policy was to stop all boats sailing from France. At the front of our vessel, you might be able to spot team captain Vivienne Stern, chief executive of Universities UK, who will be participating in the early morning TV and radio interviews event, a new category in this year’s games which combines wrestling, fencing and heavy-lifting.
Day 2: Marathon
As we approach the final stages on the streets of Paris, this has been a truly impressive effort from the Brits. After five years of strikes over a defined benefit pension scheme, British universities certainly know a thing or two about arduous marathons.
The frontrunners now approach the Rue des Écoles, famed home of the Sorbonne and other institutions of higher learning. But what’s this? It looks as if the route has been blocked by a flaming barricade with staff and students barring the way.
We haven’t seen anything like this in France since 2009. I can’t quite see what they are protesting about… Ah, yes, it looks like that old bug bear, the Bologna process, to bring universities into line with European and Anglo-Saxon standards.
One banner reads, “After Brexit, why are we still doing this?” But you’ve got to say that’s a misunderstanding. After Brexit, recession and the declining value of tuition fees, British universities are now in line with continental counterparts: they are just as impoverished as everyone else.
Day 3: Track and field
You join us for the final of the academic relay race. Hosts France, like so many others, are using the tried and trusted Erasmus+ method, while the Brits have their own alternative scheme—let’s hope they’ve been practising their exchanges.
The starting pistol fires; there’s an early lead for the European teams. Taith, the Welsh runner, makes the first exchange for Britain. It’s now with the Scottish parliament, which has promised a successful exchange, but we’ve yet to see any evidence of it.
That looks like a terrible fumble from Scotland, but it’s now with Turing from England, who exchanges with no one. Oh dear, someone has really dropped the baton there.
Day 4: Diving
It’s been an exciting day in the pool with success for Britain’s vice-chancellors in the 100-metre crawl, something they’ve practised extensively with ministers in the previous government. Now we take to the high boards for the diving contest.
British universities are hot favourites here, they’ve been taking a nosedive for several years now. And here’s late entrant Jacqui Smith, minister for further education, higher education and skills, whose own career took a sensational dive from home secretary to podcaster in record time.
Smith comes to the edge of the board and looks to take the plunge. She jumps, performs a classic DfE twist and turn, and the water covers over her head. Let’s hope she is not out of depth.
Day 5: Gymnastics
High hopes for Britain in the men’s event as science minister Patrick Vallance now approaches the horizontal bar. So far, UK science has been doing somersaults, taken a pummelling on the horse, and been vaulted over by the likes of Canada and New Zealand, but finally the bar on Horizon has been lifted.
Vallance begins his routine. The Brits might be a little rusty on the horizon programme after years of absence from the competition. There will be deductions for slips and errors using a complex repayment system to the Treasury that no one quite understands.
Vallance has got a strong grip, and that’s some impressive flips and twists from the UK government, man. He should now be looking to dismount but he seems unable to let go. That’s what comes of being a life peer in the science minister role. He could be here for some time, going round and round…
Day 6: Rowing
The Brits have really come to dominate rowing in higher education. Some say it’s because you can sit down while doing it, but some of our best rowers do it standing up.
In recent years we have some great rows in higher education. Who can forget science secretary Michelle Donelan’s row with members of an equality advisory board, or education secretary Gillian Keegan’s row over minimum staffing levels.
And, of course, the brief but glorious career of skills minister Andrea Jenkyns, who could start a row in an empty house. Our best hope this year is in the mixed pairs, where the University and College Union and the Universities and Colleges Employers Association will be rowing about the annual pay rise, even though everyone agrees higher education in the UK is bankrupt.
Day 7: Cycling
This is another set of events that British higher education excels at, going round and round the same track for ages until someone finally crashes. And, of course, UK universities have their own Trac programme they complete every year, even though no one can really remember why.
We’ve had some great successes over the years. Perhaps most memorably when universities minister Jo Johnson introduced the gold, silver and bronze awards for the Teaching Excellence Framework, which was widely recognised as a recycling of a bad idea that took everyone for a ride.
Later on, science minister Peter Kyle will be leading the UK in the team pursuit with a target of 3 per cent of GDP by 2030 to meet. Let’s hope no one in the Treasury puts a spoke in his wheels.
Day 8: Track and field 2
Welcome back to the Stade de France, where later we’ll see the blue-ribbon event of the 100-metre sprint. Competing for Britain is outgoing UKRI chief executive Ottoline Leyser, who tells us she can’t wait to make a dash for it.
In a great evening of athletics, we will also see some long-distance running. We spoke to many representatives of UK universities today who have said they would run a mile if the Tories ever got back in.
But first let’s go over to the hurdles, where the Office for Students has been laying out some pretty high barriers for universities to jump over. However, we understand James Wharton has pulled out of the race as he was obviously for the high jump.
Day 9: Shooting
So far, these games have been a great success for British universities, with education secretary Bridget Phillipson winning friends for her unexpected performance in the graduate visa route slalom. There’s also been success for the Brits in the modern pentathlon of REF, TEF, KEF, LEO and NSS.
Now we’re on the shooting range for an event the Brits are currently world champions at: the large-bore circular firing squad event. What an array of talent we have, from vice-chancellors and trade unions to government ministers and sector thought leaders.
This year the group will be led by the free speech tsar, Arif Ahmed—a controversial choice since he declared that no one should be shot down just for voicing an unpopular opinion. However, with the new government pressing pause on new free speech legislation set to take effect in a matter of days, it seems as if the guy charged with tackling cancel culture may already have been cancelled.
Day 10: Closing ceremony
Now, that’s a heart-warming sight after a such a competitive and challenging set of events. It really is something to see so many people from British universities still working in August.
Such a pity that Team GB became embroiled in that doping scandal when former education secretary Gavin Williamson took part in the A-Level Results Judo. The organisers said they had never seen such a big dope in the system and have banned the UK from all subsequent events.
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